I’m a Slovenian

My translation of Slovenec sem by N’toko with some notes for international people, to show how much I miss my compatriots (well, must be something for April Fools’ Day):
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I’m a Slovenian, I’m a Slovenian, on the beach with a Pekingese

With a penis much too short, with genitive case, with dual grammatical number

Single till I die or married ten times

I’m never going to have children, I’ll have lawyers instead

I wish to shoot Janković {mayor of the capital city, his party won the last parliamentary elections but he didn’t manage to become prime minister}

I wish to be in his place

I wish to bomb the Parliament but what if there is some space in there for me?

I wear sunglasses at night, but there is no hiding the birthmark on my forehead

My wife died a virgin, I know her better than anybody else does

We spent our wedding night in a laboratory

Sand and rats, love and its antidote

On Sunday I sing dominus nostrus in the choir at St. Jacob’s

During the week I give communion to myself while I slowly but reliably turn blood into wine

I’m a Slovenian, the knife on the neck of the participants at the Olympics

Primož Peterka {ex ski-jumping champion}, harnessed into the egotrip of thousands of poor

I’m a Slovenian as I pick up hitchhikers with my white Mercedes

With leather seats and play Severina {Croatian singer known for her online sex tapes} on my mp3 player

I’m a Slovenian, my sensitivity died with Kenny

In one hand I carry Mastercard, in the other a sample of a priest’s sperm

In my apartment building I can’t ask anybody for a spoonful of salt

Mercator is the best neighbour I have {slogan of the supermarket chain, formerly managed by Janković}

When there is thunder outside, the woman next door calls the police

Teenagers are in the clouds and think they are flying

I’m a Slovenian, every half a year I edit the constitution with Edigs {correction fluid}

An error is not an error if the majority agrees with it

If we all stick out one eye, two-eyed people will become freaks

Tolerant to the different as long as they are all the same

Most of the accidents don’t happen by accident

Suiciders come out in the spring and leave no letters behind

If you’d died in a car crash, you would have been a rock legend by now

Instead you’re a veteran without a ring – a disgrace of pop

I’m a Slovenian, identity crises are in

First time drunk at Rock Otočec {famous rock festival with a mud slide},

Smoked my first joint at Soča Sunsplash {reggae festival by the emerald river}

I’m a Slovenian, with my girlfriend on a bench in City Park {shopping centre}

I’ve been at the university for ten years, surely I won’t become hard-working now??

I’ve been signing petitions, I’ve been going to referendums

I drink cappuccino, I buy sandwiches at Petrol {gas station}

If I didn’t have to work in the morning, I’d be getting up at 1pm

If there were no tears, I don’t know what I’d be doing with my eyes

I’m a Slovenian, from the tear valley, the valley of cviček {sour, pale red, weak wine from a mixture of grapes}

Dennis the Menace, the fruit of unsuccessful condom

The fruit of non-imagination, the fruit of unhappy marriage

The fruit of trade union-sponsored trips and frustrated secretaries

A black&white pioneer {member of socialist youth in ex-Yugoslavia} in a capitalist country

In a digital era with analogue brains

Newspapers have black chronicle on the front page

Through my veins the blood of state prosecutor is flowing

My whole identity fits on one business card

I’m not going to vote at the elections until Kramberger is cloned {a populist presidential candidate with a monkey on his shoulder who was assassinated}

I’m a Slovenian, my capital, White Bratislava {Bratislava is the capital of Slovak Republic; Ljubljana, the capital of Slovenia, is often called White Ljubljana}

The last ur-Slav who hasn’t learnt to swim yet

I don’t like to chat and if I do, I slander

If I don’t find you dumb, I’m probably jealous of you

My friends have teddy bears’ buttons in the place of eyes

They don’t have mouths but still show off smiles

My colleague, time, with which I try to stay in contact

Will turn its back on me tomorrow and run me over in reverse

I’m a Slovenian, take it hard, take it easy

Take it as in I don’t know you and you don’t know me – FUCK OFF!

Translated by Manja Maksimovič

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